Some foundation
Before moving foreword with this article, a few basic premises to set in place first: Who you touch, what you touch and why you touch are three phrases that can have a monumental impact for healing and for the good emotional health of the giver and the receiver. Conversely, as every adult should know, touch can also be misused as a destructive tool and a weapon that causes enormous emotional, mental and physical harm when used to hurt, manipulate or take advantage of another person. As responsible adults, we must always be aware of appropriate boundaries and know our own comfort zones in every setting we find ourselves in when it comes to touch and touching. With this, as a premise and foundation, we can move on to explore the healthy aspects of safe and appropriate touch.
Exploring the Gift of Human Touch
We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other.
– Luciano De Creschenzo
As people, we thrive on touch. We are healthier when some form of nurturing touch is part of our every day life experience. It may come in a form of touch shared among family members and 
loved ones, and casually in appropriate ways among friends, coworkers and others. Paying attention to how touch comes to us, and how we touch others, not in clinical ways, but in genuine expressions of care, support and friendship, helps us to appreciate the gift of touch when it’s freely given to us, or as we share it with others. (I’m leaving loving touch and romantic forms of touch out of this reflection. If you need help with these forms, you need another venue!)
Handshakes and hugs are perhaps the most common forms of touch we share among general acquaintances and friends. As these opportunities present themselves to us being “present” to the handshake that comes, or an affirming hug, makes the moment real, and affirming to both parties. Sometimes, however, we take moments of touch for granted or even barely pay attention to the exchange. Yet these moments of a shared embrace or pat on the shoulder or arm are vital mini-moments that keep us connected to others and affirm our worthiness and importance to others around around us. A friend of mine who is a massage therapist said to recently, “We sure pay attention to a flu shot coming at us, or someone taking our pulse at the doctor’s office, it’s too bad we don’t pay the same kind of attention to those moments of good, gentle touch when they happen.”
Awhile back I remember an occasion at my local gym where I think I failed the test. A man that keeps similar workout schedules as me has the genuine practice of saying “good morning” to the person beside him on the next machine. He never chats (thank goodness!) during his time on a particular machine, but if you happen to be starting or stopping at the same time, or pass one another, he looks you straight in the eye, extends his hand for a shake and says heartily “good morning.” On one particular morning for whatever reason I barely made eye contact and the hand went out for the shake but I barely paid attention. Thinking about it later I realized that I hadn’t been present at all in the exchange and wished that I had. Since then, I’ve made sure that it didn’t happen again, there, or anywhere else, either.
Get what I mean?
For men, physical contact with others is fraught with social taboos, unseen pitfalls and unexpected expectations both for and against any kind of touching. Frankly, it’s a bit of a minefield out there for men when it comes to any kind of touching, period. And unfortunately, many adults, and especially men, rather than risk suspicion just make it a practice not to touch anyone, anywhere and under any circumstance whatsoever. And that’s where we all loose out.
The non-touch American Society
Even more disturbing is the fact that those of us, both men and woman, who do understand appropriate touch, but choose not to, leave the arena wide open to those adults out there (who are almost always men) who couldn’t care less about appropriate boundaries and what healthy touch is. These people, disturbed as they are, continue to touch inappropriately in every setting imaginable. And that is the greatest tragedy of all. It is my view that as a society we’re left with less and less healthy touch and more and more unwanted and harmful touch as a result. So the least we can do is pay attention to healthy occasions for touch whenever and however it comes.
Regardless of what seem like roadblocks and social forms of disconnections around touch, people still crave and express their need for touch. I remember keeping regular visits with a man living in a nursing home for several years who one day asked me politely, “Would you mind holding my hand as we talk?” He went on to explain that few people ever touched him anymore, and when they did they were either in a hurry or wearing gloves. We visit shut-ins with flowers and cards, why is it we hesitate so much to reach across and really connect with the person we care about?
Some observations
Fist bumping. What a riot, and a good thing too. It seems a whole new generation, mostly men, that have found a way to communicate nonverbally in a healthy way. I’m not very good at it…I’m either trying slide into a handshake, or, I’m thinking about the big set of knuckles coming my way and its gonna hurt! But the connection is made right then and there with another human being and that’s a good thing.
“Passing the peace,” or otherwise deliberately greeting and hugging one another during religious services. The Catholic Church, since Vatican Two, has returned to the ancient practice of physically shaking the hand of persons around them during Mass. While it is intended primarily to be passing the peace of Christ as they experience it, it nonetheless involves touching and affirming another human being. Of course other faith communities have been doing this for centuries. But, regardless of one’s religious affiliation, when you have the opportunity to “share the peace” with a handshake or embrace in spiritual settings, the moment and exchange feels even deeper and more meaningful.
Sporting events: In nearly every competitive sport we hardly notice the many moments when teammates thump, bump, high five and pat one another during games. It’s interesting to note that cameramen make a point of including these very brief exchanges, and when put together, the the high-five, chest-bumping moments actually eat up air measureable air time over the course of a game. So why do they include them? Because we, the viewers, want to see and know that the players we watch are connected one to another. It makes us feel better just seeing these exchanges. The congratulating (or consoling) touching even extends to the sidelines right down to the towel and water boys. They need it, we need it, and knowing that we all need it is just part of being connected to the human experience.
Sociologists have observed for years that American society specifically, including most of North America in general, are perceived the world over as non-touching people in our social behavior, rituals and customs. And yet there is this tension between our behavior socially and our choice of everyday words. For example, we have the iPod Touch, which needs no explanation; And who has not heard the phrase, “reach out and touch someone,” the hugely famous (and copyrighted) 1979 Bell Telephone slogan that has become ingrained in the American lexicon? Many of us use “touch screens” at the ATM; And after I touch up this article a bit, I’ll post it with the touch of a button. And once you’ve read it, perhaps you’ll get in touch with me in a comment. And I should say too, that I hope that we stay in touch in the year ahead!
Expanding Sources of Human Touch
Many people say that they like one particular chiropractor, nurse, physical therapist or dentist over another. Their perceived professional competence is of course extremely important. But so too is their “quality of touch” and we should always pay attention to this. I’m convinced that a practitioners quality and “depth” of touch is every bit as important as how they deliver their professional services. If you don’t like how you’re being touched, or if you feel that the practitioner’s touch is stony cold and void of energy, keep shopping!
People who have had numerous medical procedures often express a need for gentle human touch for the sake of healing touch alone, without any treatment or procedure being attached to it. Other adults (and sometimes children too) express a desire to experience safe, nurturing and healing touch simply to help them feel better, to lessen a stressful event or some type of trauma that has happened in their lives. And still others, who somewhere along the way, have discovered that healing touch, be it message, healing or energy work etc., just makes them feel a lot better. Most everyone knows how to find a message therapist, acupuncturist or chiropractor, but here are a few additional resources you might find useful.
Healing Touch Program: A professional program of certified healing touch practitioners
Reiki: The International Association of Reiki Professionals
Healing Touch Spiritual Ministry: Similar to the Healing Touch Program, but with aspects of prayer and approaches to healing routed in the Christian tradition.
Polarity Therapy: American Polarity Therapy Association
Closing Thoughts
Whatever modality you explore, I always encourage people who are seeking sources of support and healing that involve touch to remember that you are the consumer. Shop around, try to find out if the practitioner you’re considering would be recommended by a friend or associate, etc. Remember that you’re shopping, exploring, and trying to find the best person for you. If the vibe or gut is not good, move on, keep looking. We’re talking about your body and well being here, so it’s important to find the right professional who helps move you closer to healing from what it is that hurts, etc.
Let me know how you make out.
Wishing you the healing grace of welcomed touch,
Kevin Lee
